devoured #frommyjournal

I’m giving it all to you.
I tried alone. No more.

My chest is covered with electrodes, every beat of my heart recorded. They don’t hurt, but the tape has melted into my skin and every movement reminds me of it.

I never meant to leave you. I never meant to wander.

Never meant to forget to dig in your scriptures. Never meant to wander. Never meant to say the things I wanted so badly to take back.

Never meant.
What did I mean?

I was just trying to live from day to day. To be lonely for my family, for Daniel. I love my cabin, I love Scout, but I want security again. Security in you.

The electrode tape rips from my skin, leaving sticky tape and the smell of sweat beneath. It hurts.

light

Uncertainty happens. I used to think I could escape it. Just wait and life gets better. No longer.

I confess my sins.
I confess you.

Jesus, in your suffering you reached for me. You thought of me. Individually.

You made me who I am. You justified me. I am now the salt of the earth. 
I am your workmanship. I am a temple. I am now chosen, appointed.
 I am light.
-
I may approach you in confidence. I have direct access to you, complete,
 made righteous. I am joined to the Lord, one spirit with him.
-
And I am secure. I find grace and mercy in time of need. 
I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of sound mind, love, and power.
 I am free from condemning charges against me.
 I am delivered from the domain of darkness. I am anointed.
-
Established.
Sealed.

I will live scandalously, ridiculously, riskily. I will take every scrap of love and devour it ravenously. I will notice the Jesus things and step out of myself.

I am not my past. I am not my future. I am now.

I am not just hidden. I am devoured by a ravenous Lover.

Jesus, in your suffering you reached for me. You thought of me. Individually.

The electrodes catch every heartbeat, every flutter of my heart. They caught the flutter when I thought of who you are.
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